How many times have you said this to yourself about your toxic relationship but stayed anyway? Well at some point you have to actually mean it. You have to move from just words to ACTION!
I know, I make it all sound so easy. But we both know it’s not. Walking away from any relationship comes with challenges and when it’s toxic it can be even more difficult. It takes some real effort, time, and encouragement.
I should know. I stayed in my first marriage far longer than I wanted to. Today I’m going to give you a few things that will help empower you to say it AND do it!
A. Acknowledge that it’s toxic
Not every relationship that ends is toxic. But when it is it’s really important to acknowledge that. You need to get yourself to a place where you’re embracing the truth that this isn’t just about a break-up this is about saving yourself (and your children). This is about you not letting yourself be killed; emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, etc. If you don’t leave your toxic relationship you WILL die. In one, or multiple, of the ways mentioned above. And if children are present you’re giving them a dangerous demonstration for future replication by staying.
Leaving my first marriage was about my daughter that was on the way more than it was about me. I knew, even if not for myself, SHE deserved better. I wasn’t willing to let her see my first marriage as her example to replicate.
Also, by admitting to ourselves that the relationship we’re in is toxic we increase our odds of staying gone.
REMEMBER: toxic doesn’t equal “easier to walk away from!” This WILL hurt!
Once you’ve left you’ll feel like you miss them; that should be expected. When those moments come I recommend recalling some of the toxic events that took place in the relationship. Then ask “what do I really miss?” When I’d have an especially difficult day I’d remember how he told his mistress to call the cops on me. Or, I’d peruse his social media and watch him making an ass of himself (though at the time it felt like he was making an ass of me) with the other women while I was pregnant. Of course, I don’t recommend reminiscing on the “good times”. This isn’t about creating a longing for the toxic relationship. This exercise is to help separate fantasy (what you want it to be) from reality (what it actually is).
B. Believe that you deserve & can have more
Within a few months I knew my first marriage wasn’t where I wanted to be but it didn’t end for 3 more years; why is that? Well, if we really got into all the nitty gritty of what took me so long we’d be talking more about me than you! LoL But, among MANY, one reason I stayed was that I didn’t believe I could have more than what that relationship was offering.
During those 3 years I learned that just because I can put up with something doesn’t mean I have to.
You may KNOW you deserve more money than what your job is paying. But do you BELIEVE you deserve more? And that you can HAVE more? A lot don’t. So they stay stuck. Stuck in that dead end job. Stuck in that abusive relationship. Stuck at that fruitless church. STUCK! It takes more than knowing you deserve better to have better.
I’m challenging you to move from knowing to believing what you deserve and that it’s attainable.
Moving from knowing to believing is probably the hardest step in this process. I don’t think I did fully until I met Chris. But I didn’t let that keep me stuck. I took steps of faith in the meantime. One thing I did that really helped was writing notes to Mr. Amazing. I was constantly professing what I knew I deserved out of a partner until I finally believed I deserved it and that I could have it. So, start writing out what your dream job will offer you and profess it everyday until you move from knowing to believing!
C. Make a plan! Have the right timing!
You can’t just leave a toxic relationship all willy nilly. You need a plan as to how you’re going to get out and what you’re going to do once you leave. But everything doesn’t have to be perfectly aligned either. Make a plan as to what you’re going to do but don’t let a lack of details keep you from going. The right time to leave a toxic relationship is the MOMENT you realize it’s toxic! And don’t delay; it will only get worse!
When it was time to leave my first marriage I quit my job, had my mom fly down, packed when she arrived, and left. I had no job to go to, my condo had a tenant, but I knew I had to go. So I made a plan, without all the long term details, and I left. It’s absolutely still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Some of you are still at your job because you haven’t found another one. Some of you are still in that relationship because you don’t know how you’d support yourself and children without him. No matter WHAT your reason is, there is NEVER a good reason to stay in a toxic relationship! When you stay you’re choosing to allow fear to dictate you. Don’t let that be your truth! Make your plan and then GO!
I hope you feel empowered and that you get to WORK! No more words. Let’s get active!
Love you tons and of course I’m believing for your #limitlesslife
I know some people are in very physically abusive romantic relationships and it’s dangerous to just walk away. This post is not an effort to minimize that but to empower you to start making your way out. Even though you must be more cautious in leaving, leaving STILL should be the goal! I’m more than happy to help you find safe resources in your area. Email me firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll work together to get you free and living your #limitlesslife ❤