Most of us that have friends consider them to be some of the best people we’ve ever met! That’s why we hang out with them and call them friend. But not everyone has that story. Some of us keep ending up in relationship with people that, after a while, pretty much suck! And we’re starting to think maybe people in general just SUCK.
I’m definitely someone, in my adult years, that was consistently betrayed or hurt by someone I thought was a friend. About 3 years ago I really opened up and let someone in. 2 years into the friendship I remembered why I’d stopped making new friends. I was betrayed in a way I’d never known and it hurt me to my core. This friendship was so close that when it ended it felt like I was breaking up with a boyfriend. I cried, more than once, and my husband just watched me crumble.
Poor me right? Ahhhh not exactly! I’m 2 years post break-up with this friend and now I can look back and see things much more clearly. Honestly she, and the ones before her, sucked as a friend to me for some pretty specific reasons. So I’m going to share them with you all in hopes that they help YOU to start attracting GREAT long term friendships into your life.
A. I sucked as a person
You probably weren’t expecting that right? LoL but I try not to spend too much time figuring out other people and a lot MORE time figuring out how I can be my best to attract the best and that’s what I want for you too. SOOOO
When I was about 20 I realized that a lot of my happiness was attached to outside people. I wasn’t happy just being by myself. Less than a year after seeing this in myself I was married and had 3 new BFF’s! Yeeeeaaah, not smart. At 20 I wasn’t mature enough to SEE the issue and RESOLVE it. I saw it and then went along with life as though I hadn’t.
I had to grow to a place, in the last year, where I’m more observant of what I’M bringing to the friendship.
At 20 I was bringing a lonely person that needed companionship. Even though I gave a lot in those relationships it was still self-serving and lopsided because I wasn’t where I needed to be as an individual. I wasn’t a healthy ME and that impacted the WE in all of my relationships; romantic, platonic, and family.
Couple my innate passion to empower women with my need for companionship and you have a recipe for disastrous co-dependent relationships. And that’s what a lot of my relationships were. I was looking for someone, because I needed a friend, so I found people that needed me. That may not sound bad, but once they DIDN’T need me anymore the relationships ended. And the majority of them ended pretty tragically.
So, I’ve had to learn to stop sucking as a person. Because sucky people attract sucky people.
B. I didn’t know how to discern friend from trainee
That sounds a little arrogant maybe but it isn’t! With maturing I’ve really become more secure in myself. And who I am will always empower women to their greatest potential. Because of that, I still attract a lot of women that need something Christina can offer. I attract women that admire me. I attract women that are envious of me (which is so weird, who wants to be friends with someone they envy?!).
In the past I didn’t know how to classify these types of women in my life so I just let everyone in. I let everyone get close and I let them be my FRIEND.
What I’ve learned is that when someone admires you typically they’re not admiring who you are. They’re admiring who they’ve created you to be in their minds. They’ve placed you on a pedestal that you can’t actually stay on. And they’ve drawn up this version of you that you certainly won’t live up to. Which eventually leaves them disillusioned and you hurt that you aren’t accepted as yourself.
But here’s the thing, does your boss tell you everything happening within the company OR is it “levels to this shit!”? EXACTLY! If you’re in a relationship with someone that is a trainer/trainee relationship stop telling them how the curriculum was developed and JUST TEACH! I had to stop letting people in just because they wanted access. Some of my relationships, I had to realize, were going to be one-sided and that’s okay so long as I’m keeping balance and not letting the receptionist into the corporate financing meeting.
This may seem unauthentic but this isn’t about hiding who you are. It’s about protecting those that can’t handle you from you. It has done wonders in my ability to have quality relationships. Even in the ones that are one-sided.
C. I tolerated too much
When my last friendship ended I realized how silly I was to have stayed her friend for so long in the first place. I walked away with a new mantra “if I wouldn’t tolerate it from a man I won’t tolerate it from a friend.”
Some of us have friends that we would run the opposite way from if they were a man. Why? Why is it okay for her to be a habitual liar but you’d never date one? Whether friends or dating you’re STILL IN RELATIONSHIP. Just like you can have a toxic boyfriend you can have a toxic friend. And whichever it is YOU end up with toxic residue.
Pay closer attention in the “getting to know each other” phase. Determine, “would I date this personality/character?” If the answer is no THEY DON’T NEED TO BE YOUR FRIEND. They can be categorized as something else; think trainer/trainee.
I’m a huge advocate of not ending relationships, but rather, categorizing them. What I’ve seen is that when I catergorize my relationships appropriately I’m a lot more fulfilled and people either eliminate themselves or play their part. If you want to know more about categorizing check out my YouTube Vlog titled “Friendship: Silas, Timothy, Paul” that was inspired by my super dope Pastor!
I hope these tips are helpful to you. I hope they make you stop looking only at everyone outside of you and encourage you to do some REAL work within so you can have the quality relationships in your life that you want!
I love you beauties SOOOO much! And of course I’m believing for your limitless lives!