Throughout this journey I have shared a LOT of intimate learning experiences with you all. My hope is that by sharing the moments that have been deeply impactful in my growth YOU will grow too.
One of the experiences I talk most of is my first marriage.
And I know as you read (or watch via my vlog) my life experiences it can be easy to become #TeamChristina. And if you’re not careful you’ll start thinking of me as a victim to my circumstances.
Poor Christina. Look at all the crap she had to deal with. What a douche he was. She’s AMAZING for making it out of there!
While I won’t debate the amazing (or douche) part, LET ME BE CLEAR! (as my lovie Sonja would say)
I was NOT a victim. I’m not some girl that got caught up with the wrong guy. I didn’t get duped. I didn’t get swept up into some bad romance. I absolutely went into the relationship WILLINGLY.
I’m confused. You had such a toxic past, that’s what drew you to another toxic relationship. You were a product of your circumstances. How is that your fault?
It’s not so much that it was my FAULT but it was my CHOICE!
It was my choice to see in myself that I wasn’t whole as an individual and STILL get married! It was my CHOICE to have “gut feelings” and ignore them. It was MY CHOICE to go into a relationship eyes wide shut.
Well every person I’ve dated where it didn’t work out it’s wasn’t because of anything I could have or should have done.
You’re the anomaly my dear. And when I say anomaly I mean, YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT! Every ridiculous relationship we have lived through we’ve played a part in. From conception through completion.
Well I don’t think that’s why because…
A. I have so much to offer
This very well may be true. I had a lot of really good qualities when I met my ex-husband that were under appreciated. But I also had a lot of damage.
So how are you defining your offering?
Just because you have surface stuff doesn’t mean you’re ready to be a PARTNER to someone (read last week’s blog).
You cook, you clean, you work, have your own place, drive your own car… *clap clap clap* WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD! That has SHIT to do with your ability to be someone’s helpmeet.
What does your heart look like?
Scarred? Talking about old stuff draws up old feelings?
Emotional Health: Unfit
What does your mind look like?
Paranoid? Past betrayal has you waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Mental Health: Unfit
What does your spirit look like?
Insecure? You live in emotions (based on circumstance) rather than being grounded in spiritual tenants?
Spiritual Health: Unfit
I believe there are specific things you need when entering into a successful relationship and they aren’t material.
Your partner can’t be in a prosperous relationship with you based on the THINGS you have to offer. They need stand-up character, sound emotional/mental health, and for you to be sure-footed!
B. Good men are few and far between
If every guy you date seems to be “cut from the same cloth” stop looking at the cloth like it’s crazy and ask yourself why you keep picking up the same damn cloth.
Yes, sometimes your circumstances (or residue from previous circumstances) will attract a person you don’t actually want. But you have the choice as to whether they get to be in your life or not.
If you’re fishing for sea bass and catch trout (I have no idea which fish are fresh water vs. salt; don’t judge me just roll with it) do you keep the trout just because it was attracted to your bait?
So why keep a mate?
Good men are not few and far between you’re just saddling up with the first horse that comes along instead of waiting for the best fit. OOOOOOR you’re fishing in the wrong pond. (I’m all over the place with this water huh?!) But either way, it still comes back to you.
In the same token, don’t be ridiculous and pass up viable options. I suggest you watch my vlog “Make a List” to figure out how you can find your best fit.
C. Men fraud themselves as to who they are
I touched on this in my Toxic Relationships blog. Remember? SIGNS?!
You may not have known it would get to the extent it has but there was PROOOOBABLY at least one gut check that you disregarded as irrelevant. You had at LEAST one moment where there was an inkling this may not be the best fit.
Stop letting ignorance be your defense and DO YOUR RESEARCH!
Google that ass! Search the sex offender registry. Stalk his social media. Find out as MUCH as you can! And if it starts to get serious (you’ll have to define when that moment is on your own) ask him to pull his credit report.
That may SEEM surface but if you both haven’t already been forthcoming you should be willing to tell the other partner what financial situation they’re walking into.
And your gut check doesn’t always have to be about your potential partner. Sometimes it’s just a matter of seeing that you’re not ready for anything with anyone but ignoring that.
So were you defrauded by them or yourself?
My sister said to me, years ago, “if you don’t take responsibility for your failures why should you get credit for your successes?” (or something REALLY close to that)
And I’ve embraced that.
You can’t grow if you won’t even admit that you need to!
If you keep getting into dead-end, toxic, unhealthy, unfruitful relationships….honey, YOU are the common denominator! It’s time to do inventory on SELF!
We can’t make it “their fault” just because that’s easier. Even if there’s OVERWHELMING evidence that you were just too damaged to know better. At some point we have to be willing to own our life.
ALL OF IT.
I love you so much! And I’m believing for your limitless lives. #limitlesslife #meandthenwe